Logs of the Forsaken Guard

Sun, 13 Jun 2004 22:43:09 GMT

yep still pretty pissed off. . . don't know what to do about it either. i hate this crap it needs to stop now. . .

Sun, 13 Jun 2004 22:05:57 GMT

. . . yeah well i'm just mad right now. . .

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 14:56:17 GMT

FROZEN KING You dont want love to come through to you. You like it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you. You are already used to it. You say yourself that you dont need anyone, that you stand on your own two feet or that you dont have time for these things. But in reality you are scared to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You invent your own relationship in your dreams. You just need to know that you COULD get a partner.

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 08:44:16 GMT

can anyone tell me why the hell the shocked face i have is smiling

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 08:42:37 GMT

well no chest pains today but i did have ALL the other problems my blood preasure causes me. i got really upset today and the only one here was ryan and he asked me what was wrong and after he asked over and over and was trying to be a good friend i told him i couldn't tell him cause i couldn't trust him. cause holly told me once that he and ariel both told her that i said i didn't care about holly which is total bull crap!!! Ryan got upset about it called ariel a few minuts after i told him that and yelled at her to leave him out of all the BS and ariel could only say that she is just going to do whatever to protect her brother...ryan stayed pissed off of course and then said that he wasn't going to the movie they had all planned on going to see. i hope he decided to go cause i really didn't mean to ruin anyones day. i just needed to tell him why i would trust him with what was wrong.

i feel like i'm without a best friend right now...cause i have no one i dare trust with talking about whats bothering me. anyone i have tried talking to has not helped and anyone else i'd like to talk to i know i can't for one reason or another

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 07:58:16 GMT

If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 09:22:22 GMT

its late and i'm suposed to get up and leave the house in just over 2 hours but i haven't slept a wink as the phase goes. to much in my head the idea of holly kissing william is just poison to my mind and i can't take it. i'll do want willam wants to get my love back in my arms. i have had a few times in my past where i've wanted someone back but it wasn't important even then cause it was ok without them to but not with this. . . this time i need her back i love her to much to give her up. i wish i could show her the love i have for her. i'll have to find a way

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 04:00:46 GMT

i am freaking out so bad right now. . . my blood preasure was starting to go back to normal just a little. it just went really high again faster then i knew it could. within seconds my whole body was shaking my legs my head and hands everything was shaking out of control. my chest is at it again. i've cried a few times just a little bit though since my preasure rocketed. i wasn't crying from the pain though. the pain i used to for the most part i just have to brace myself a little for that. i cried over holly. she's been with william only a few days now but she has already made out with him now. great silently crying again. i had beautiful dream last night, it started with kat yelling at me saying that i'm a bad person and never deserved u and will never deserve u and that i'm a horrible wicked person to u and u came and made her leave me alone and then we started hiking and we just kept hiking on and on. we were together again and in the dream it was to last forever. i bought holly a present today. i hope she likes it when i give it to her... i feel like i've been away for a long time to come back nothing as it was and should have stayed. i feel like i've grown the past few days. a few days ago nothing matter to much to me exept that i could be loved by holly and kristina and before she left for her odessy of the mind trip much against my better judgement i kissed her...a couple times even. but i didn't want to go out with her and i didn't want to go out with anybody. i instead wanted to be with who ever i was with at the time... u_u ... that was wrong of me to thing i don't know why i had that in my head it wasn't what i had planned to do i wanted to just give things time to air out between me and holly cause it seemed like she needed me to leave for a while but i told her if she wanted me she only needed to ask me to talk to her or come see her. somewhere stupid boyish desire kicked in and now i'm so sorry but its too late. i am once again doomed to depression again it seems. my blood preasure only rocketed when holly told me she made out with william. after spending time with holly the other day there was no one in the world i was rather be with. i love holly much more the kristina now. i don't even see kristina's love as an option anymore. u_u.....knowing how well holly's relationships go it could be a long time if ever before this one is done. i can wait. it'll hurt worse then it did with her and eamon but i can wait through the pain again i think. i need to start finding ways to get this all off my mind for a while. plz any of my friends help me get through. i need support this time plz don't abandom me like last time plz see me through this time.

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 08:05:48 GMT

well i guess its finally back. last night i went to bed tired at four in the morning but i couldn't rest i was only half asleep and having nightmares about kat yelling at me. i haven't had that happen for about 6 mounths now so its very weird. i was just really sad and upset all day today and just couldn't cheer up. my blood preasure has been bad today aswell even now my heart is hurting me cause of it. something is seriously wrong with me making me really depressed all over again and i just don't know what it is really. it could be over holly it could be cause kristina and amber r out of town it could be cause my vacation was canceled it could be that my mom was just having a bit fit over everything this morning and it could be because i have a seacret that i'm not telling. me and holly r planning now to go on a hike sometime...i hope its a long long hike i need a long one. gezzz everything kept scaring me today i was afraid of everyone holly especally scared me today i was about to cry even it was terrible she just got all mad cause i was getting scared and that of course made it so much worse. i've been doing a lot of pictures on the pc the past couple days. felicia says she's moving back here this summer maybe she could help me she used to be able to make me feel better in the past maybe she can help get me out of depression. i haven't been eating right the past couple days either. yesterday i wasn't at 100% but i thought i would be fine today but yeah we've already been over today. i was so lonely today too. no one came over and no one had the time or energy for me and online no one hardly spoke to me despite my atempts to have convos. not even holly really spoke to me much she talked to (will)iam all day though...that sure didn't help me feel better. sometime around 10 i went to ryan's house as an atempt to be cheered up ariel was there to but i didn't really end up feeling any better. i feel really torn apart...if only i could rip myself from holly's love i could be with kristina and if only i could rip myself from kristina's love i could probly get holly back........i can't bring myself to love one more then the other...its just ripping me apart. i need advice or something maybe a sign or a motive or just the right feeling or to just hear the right thing.........i need to be cheered up dang it!!!!!

Tue, 18 May 2004 05:14:09 GMT

well lately i've had several great days absolutely great no worrys and i've been with good friends and today was my 18th birthday and the second annual best of the dojang tornamant of ironwood ridge high shcool and i won first place it sparing its wasn't too easy of course but i won anyways. i didn't do good at all in forms whitch sucks cause thats my best event. I still won in forms last year though so yay. heather wasn't allowed to compete cause of her stupids needs to go to hell tomarrow dad but she still helped out with it all alot ^_^. amber and kristian spared and so did rachel and holly winners were kristina and holly. andrew was in my devision and once again i didn't get to spar him cause i worked with his opponnet for a while before the match and tought him new moves that i knew would work on him and i was right and so i spared the guy i help in the finals and won. although i proved myself to be the village idiot by not remembering to put on my shin guards before the match and we had to start over again and i was deducted a point for that but i made up for it good and well. after all that i took amber and kristina to my house and be had pizza for dinner in honor of my 18th b-day. and friday i'm having my birthday party. i'm thinking of making it a dance kind of thing. and oh yeah i'm getting a laptop for my birthday!

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 06:05:05 GMT

well today was a pretty good day except at the end of it i kinda got mad at holly for not telling me what was going on after i left ambers party last night. i guess it was something bad is why she won't tell me witch is what is making me mad. kinda made me nervous when she told me that she couldn't tell me because i relized right then that she spend the night with 3 bi-sexuals. that kinda worried me because well who hasen't known her to flirt with tons of girls. so the idea of her alone with 3 hormonal bi-sexuals past midnight after a birthday party is kinda worrysome to me. it didn't bother me really till she amber and brittany started talking about it right in front of me but they said nothing but inside joke kinda stuff and i just was lost and worried really getting pissed...thank god kristina called when i was taking brittany and holly home or else i would have gone off on them for not letting me know what happend between all of them...u_u...well kristina won her odessy of the mind comp. in pheonix yesterday so YAY FOR HER...she wins everything its kinda not fare u_u;;.........anyways g'night

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 01:47:58 GMT

i haven't been feeling too up lately actually kinda depressed and it sucks but i can't help it once again. it doesn't help that other ppl keep getting depressed to. i always have to watch what i do and say around them when they r together and i just can't be myself. it really seems like something is bothering holly today but she won't tell and kristina and i really want to know whats bothering her this time. we don't like for her to be in a bad mood. not to mention my dad is dick today. hes been a dick since he got home. ryan got sick today too and he barffed int he van on his way to school. he seems alright now though except hes not doing to much and just taking it easy. thats very unlike him. i hope i can get out of depression sooner this time...

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 05:54:35 GMT

well today started pretty crapy i got to school with amber and kristina as useual but when we went to get out of the car kristina didn't move and just unhappily looked away from everyone. i knew what was comeing so i just sat back down in my seat and prpared to listen. she said things like how she still cares for me a lot witch i know and don't blame her for cause i broke up with her very suddenly. she said things like "do what your heart wants" and such witch is sad cause theres no way that can happen cause i can't make her and holly both happy like they used to be. she said a lot of things all kinda leading toward a the idea of going back out with kristina even though our ages r too far apart and i have holly. it was sad and i felt pretty bad for her. i didn't leave my car for about 15 min. after she left it in a dramatic epic. it makes me very sad to think about or see kristina in the state she is. i wish i could do something or just say something to make her feel good again. it just seems like i've ruined the girls life. everyone is getting worried about my blood preasue again i guess its, because its been pretty bad lately. my hand gets really really shaky every now and then. but its fine. i just wish some ppl would understand how much it messes with me to be so dramatic about all this cause it does really matter to me a lot. i had work today and then i have it tomarrow ,friday ,and sunday to. i hope i get some time to see ppl but its good that i have work again after 3 weeks of nothing cause now money is on the way and it is much needed. hopefully tomarrow will be a more normal day. see ya

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 01:32:31 GMT

my blood preasure is way up right now my heart is killing me. my depression is coming back into full swing again. i can't cheer kristina up no matter how much i want to. my hands r shaking like crazy its just been a terrible day

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 00:51:25 GMT

well the tornamant i did didn't go to well i lost in everything i did right away. witch isn't right cause i did my form better then most anyone there and i saw the person who been me do her form again in the comp. and she sucked! so that was bad but i did get some really good back kicks in in my sparing match and i only lost that by one point. mrs. clarcks younger daughter was giving me a hard time later that day but not about the tornamant but about breaking up with kristina so needless to say i don't like that littl girl anymore. stacy one of our students that didn't compete came up to me at one point asking if i was ok cause she was concerned that the "female drama going around" was getting to me i just replyed no...but i really hate drama i said. but everything was ok after that for the most part. yesterday was a good day though except i got really pissed off at my dad! i don't like that guy! unfortunatly holly saw how i acted...u_u *sigh* oh well cause i had a great day with her anyways. ^_^